When Friends Become Lovers
by LoveInLlanview
Summary: The Friends Gang reunites in 2016 and Joey might just have more than one woman pregnant. He's been a busy guy!
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note - This is a Friends Comedy Fic with a lot or romance, too. Some of the history has changed to suit the purposes of the story. Obviously, it is AU. We do not own Friends and we won't be getting any pay for writing this story. It's only for entertainment_

 _A little bit of Friends history for the readers- Chandler and Monica subsequently named their boy twin Jack Bing (after Monica's father) and their girl Erica Bing (after the twins' birth mother). The twins were born May 6, 2004 - now 12 years old_

 _Ross has two children. His son, Ben, was conceived while Ross and Carol were still married and born at the end of Season 1. Ben lives with Carol and Susan. (May 11, 1995 is his birthday) - now 21_

 _Emma - Ross's daughter with Rachel - born May 16, 2002 - now 14 years old_

 _Frank Jr. Jr., Leslie and Chandler (a girl) (born October 8, 1998) are Alice Knight and Frank Buffay Jr.'s children. Phoebe was the surrogate mother. - The triplets are now 17._

 _This section was written by AngelsInstead, Melissa and Daphne_

 **The Friends Gang in 2016**

Phoebe Buffay lay on a padded table at the gynecologist's office, her legs spread ever-so-wide as she underwent a procedure in hopes of becoming pregnant. The year was 2016. It had been 12 long years since she had split up from her old friends, Chandler, Monica, Joey, Rachel, and Ross. She missed them all so much... almost as much as she missed the triplets, Frank Jr. Jr., Leslie, and Chandler, her brother Frank's children. She had carried those babies as a surrogate mother, but that had been seventeen years ago! She really couldn't believe that it had really been all that long. Now the triplets were practically all grown up... and they had lives of their own. Sadly, she hardly ever saw them.

Phoebe had never married. She had never had a baby of her own. But several years ago, someone special had made her a certain promise, and because of that promise he had made years ago, Phoebe was hopeful that parenthood might soon be in the cards for her.

"Just transplant as many embryos as you can, doctor," Phoebe said as the doctor was placing instruments into Phoebe's exposed lady parts. "I carried triplets once. I think I might be able to carry as much as that octo-lady. I mean, I have wide enough hips, don't I?"

The doctor looked up at Phoebe over his surgical mask. "Your hips are fine, Miss Buffay. I think we'll insert at least three embryos given your age... and given the rate of failure when it comes to this procedure when a woman reaches ... well, an advanced age."

"Are you saying I'm too old, doctor?" Phoebe gasped, almost jumping up off the table. "I may be a little over forty... well, just a bit over fifty, but my uterus is strong; it's mighty... and I have fine hips. And my breasts will be okay... won't they? I was hoping to breastfeed. I want to breastfed as many of the babies as possible. I'm just dying to breastfeed."

"All of your body parts will be fine," the doctor assured. "Just relax and keep thinking pleasant thoughts."

Phoebe closed her eyes and began to think back to a long ago moment in time.

 _They had been at the Central Perk having a cup of coffee when he said something shocking. But that was just Joey. He always had something shocking or inappropriate to say. She was used to it. In fact, she was a lot like him. There was something different about that day... and what he said. After the words came out, Phoebe realized he was serious._

 _"I'll make you a deal. If you and I are in our late forties and we aren't married, then I think we should get together. I think we should tie the knot," Joey said. "After all, Chandler and Monica got married... and Ross and Rachel are having a kid. Well, what about us? Why don't we get any of the fun?"_

 _At first she thought he was teasing, but then she realized that this time, it wasn't a joke. Joey was serious!_

 _"Are you proposing to me, Joey?" Phoebe asked, almost choking on her sip of coffee._

 _"No... Yes... Maybe," said Joey. He was really confused._

 _"I just wondered, because I don't want to remain an old maid forever... and what's worse, I want to have a baby."_

 _"A baby?" Joey stuttered. It was his turn to choke on a little of his coffee._

 _"Well, yeah, I carried the triplets for Frank and Alice. I got all those stretch marks... the hemorrhoids, the sagging, aching, milk-filled boobs, and I didn't even get to keep the babies... not even ONE of them,' Phoebe complained. "I mean they have three - THREE. Why couldn't I at least have one?"_

 _Joey shrugged. "I hadn't really thought about reproducing."_

 _"You'd be a good dad, Joey. Look how great you've been with Emma. She thinks you're wonderful."_

 _"She thinks I am a crazy, demented clown."_

 _"Nahhhh, she really loves you. You should think about it - having a kid."_

 _"I have to find a woman first... and that's where you come in. All the girls I have met aren't right for me. The only one I ever wanted was Rachel, but she has a kid with Ross now. That leaves me all alone."_

 _"Ohhhhh poor Joey. You and me - we shouldn't be alone. Do you think we should-?"_

 _"Bump uglies?"_

 _"That would be weird. You're my best friend."_

 _"And you're my best friend, too. So let's just wait. If we get in our late forties and we still haven't found anyone... then we'll get married."_

 _"Couldn't you just... you know... make me pregnant?"_

 _"You only want me for my sperm?" Joey gasped, sounding insulted. Everyone looked up from their cups of coffee and newspapers, hearing Joey's words._

 _"Of course not. You're my best friend. We could co-parent the baby. Or babies."_

 _"Babies?" He sounded scared now; absolutely frightened._

 _"I will share them with you. Especially if we get three. I am not like Frank and Alice. I won't hog them all to myself."_

 _"Well, I dunno, I still want Rachel."_

 _"She's leaving with Ross," Phoebe reminded. "They have a kid now, remember?"_

 _"Yeah," Joey said solemnly. "I guess it's a deal then, if we aren't married by our late forties, we'll tie the knot... or we do the wild mamba, whatever it takes so we won't always be alone."_

 _They shook over it and it was a deal._

And here she was, lying there, being implanted with three embryos that had been created with her eggs and Joey's sperm. She wished she could reach for her cell phone. She'd take a picture for the daddy-to-be. Joey was going to be so damn excited when he heard the news...

Meanwhile, Joey was lying in bed after a particularly hot and sexy romp. The woman in his arms was totally exhausted. For a man just over fifty, Joey really knew how to fuck. He was so damn good. She'd never get enough of him and his intense fucking...

"Joey, you better sneak out," Rachel said. "Ross will be here soon."

"But I don't want to leave you," Joey said with a little pout. "I wish that you'd leave him... I wish that you were mine."

"Ohhh Joey, that's not possible. Ross and I have a daughter. Emma's a teenager and so impressionable. Ross and Emma can't find out about our affair."

"But Rachel..." Joey protested.

"Joey, I will see you this weekend. I promise," Rachel said. She gave him one last hungry kiss and then nudged him out of bed. She couldn't take her eyes off his sexy body as he crawled out and started getting dressed.

"Ohhh please hurry!" Rachel warned. "Ross will be home soon. Carol cheated on him with Susan and it will break his heart if he found out I've been cheating, too."

*What about my heart?* Joey wanted to say, but he never once spoke about his about his feelings. He had been madly in love with Rachel for a decade and half... and it wasn't until just recently when she had let him wander back into her bed. He wanted to scream it to the rooftops - I'm in love with Rachel! But he couldn't, because it would hurt his dear friend Ross. He didn't want to break up a family, so Joey just took all the tiny moments he could with the beautiful woman he adored.

Now he had to go and it really hurt. "Bye, Rachel," he said as he slipped on his shirt. How he wanted to stay and cuddle her, but he couldn't. Ross would show up any moment... and then all hell would break loose. He couldn't let young Emma be hurt. She was only fourteen and needed both her mom and her dad.

"I'll go," Joey said as he pulled on his jeans.

"I'll call you later," Rachel said as he walked out the door.

Only a minute later, Rachel rushed to the bathroom and bent over the toilet to violently throw up. She had been doing that a lot lately. It wasn't because of the guilt she was feeling over cheating on Ross... it was MORE... a lot more. Rachel was pregnant. Rachel was carrying Joey's child.

After a long, hot shower, Rachel felt a whole lot better. She got dressed and headed into the kitchen, waiting for Ross. "Ross, there is something I gotta tell you..." she said when he walked in the door. "I'm pregnant."

Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler were busy with their second set of twins. The first set, Jack and Erica had recently turned 12 years old. Surprisingly, this time, Monica had miraculously conceived. They were celebrating the first set of twins' birthday at Chuckie Cheese when Monica went into labor. Chandler had rushed her to the hospital and to his shock and surprise, his ex was in the maternity ward, also giving birth. "Chandler Bing!" she screamed.

"Ohhh my God, it's Janice!" Chandler cried out in disgust.

Janice let out one of her infamous, earsplitting laughs. "I'm having another baby!" Janice said, patting her immense belly. "What are you doing here, Chandler? Getting a sex change?"

"No, why would I do that?" he asked hysterically.

"I dunno, I just thought... well, that maybe..."

"Janice, Chandler and I are here, because I am pregnant - we're pregnant. We're having twins," Monica spoke up, looking down at her huge stomach. She was so large, she couldn't even see her toes. She couldn't wait to get the active, rambunctious twins out of her. They seemed even more wild than the first set, and they had been all kinds of mischievous. Even from the moment of their birth, they had been spitting up putrid pea soup.

Janice let out an annoying, nasally laugh that sounded almost like a snort. "Ohhh wow, Chandler. Your sperm must be very powerful. How come you never knocked ME up?"

"Maybe because I didn't want to have a kid that looked just like a troll,' Chandler said under his breath.

"What did you say, Chandler?" Janice asked.

"He said, "He hopes everything goes well- when your kid comes out of your hole," Monica spoke up.

Janice broke into hysterical laughter. It echoed into the halls as Monica began to scream, "Ohhh God, it hurts! What's worse, her laughter or giving painful, traumatic birth?!"

Chandler didn't know the answer or even how to comfort her. He could only hold her hand and talk to her soothingly as their children were being born. Six hours later, their second set of twins entered the world. This time, it was two precious girls. "We have identical twins," Chandler said happily. "What will we name them?"

"Will you name one after me?" Janice said from the other hospital bed. She had given birth to her new son about three hours ago.

"I really don't think that would be appropriate," Chandler spoke up.

"Well, I named this one after you, Chandler. I named him Batta-Bahhh Batta Bing."

Monica glared wickedly at Chandler's ex. "I want to kill her. I want to snap her neck. I want to feed her to the wolves," she said under her breath.

"Now honey, think calm thoughts," Chandler said. "You just gave birth."

"What will we name the babies?" Monica asked.

"We'll think of something."

Three and a half months had passed and Monica and Chandler had their hands full. The new twins were hungry day and night. Neither of them were getting much sleep. Then odd, paranormal things began happening around the house. The dog levitated off the floor. The doorbell rang and no one was there. Every piece of furniture in the living room was rearranged with no explanation. Monica really got upset about the furniture, considering she had major OCD.

"Chandler, what's causing this? Do we have a poltergeist?" Monica asked worriedly.

"I'll call Dial-A-Psychic. They will send a competent psychic right over," Chandler suggested.

The psychic came and began inspecting the house. "It's your twins," the psychic announced. "They are evil."

"What?!" Chandler and Monica asked at the same time.

"It's their mother; their birth mother. Her name is Cindy Campbell."

"No, it isn't," said Monica. "Her name was Erica!"

"I'm sorry... No, her name was not Erica. She was using that name as an alias. Her name is Cindy Campbell and she's the woman in all those Scary Movies."

"Ohhh my God!" Chandler gasped. "Monica, what should we do?"

"I don't know..." Monica said. "I always knew that the twins were a bit demonic, but I never would have guessed they were the spawn of Cindy Campbell... and whoever she may have screwed."

"Well, we have to do something. What if they corrupt the other twins?!"

They were both really scared, not sure what they should do when the doorbell rang. To their shock and surprise, this time when they answered it, someone was really there. It was Joey. "I need to talk to you," he said to Chandler urgently.

"Come in," Monica said. "Meet the psychic."

"How do you do?" the psychic asked.

"Well, not too good right now," Joey said sadly. "You see, I just might have gotten someone pregnant."

"It's true," the psychic stated.

"Ohhh God. I knew it. I just knew it. I got this text message. She said they implanted three inside her."

"Three what?" Chandler asked.

"Embryos of course!" answered Joey.

"She's not the only one who's pregnant," the psychic said under her breath.

"Ohhh no, Janice is pregnant again," Chandler lamented.

Meanwhile, Joey appeared quite upset as he looked in the playpen and saw Chandler and Monica's little twins. "I see TWO of them!" he gasped. "I am fifty... and my eye sight must be getting bad, because they both look just alike."

"Because they are identical twins," Monica said, her voice matter-of-fact. "The one in the pink dress is Catalina and the one wearing yellow is named Azriella."

"We need to talk about Rachel... AND we need to talk about Phoebe," Joey said to Chandler after Monica went into the kitchen to discuss matters privately with the psychic.

"Okay... which one of them did you impregnate?"

"I'm not sure," answered Joey. "Probably both... and Phoebe might be a lot pregnant. I mean A LOT."

"Okay. How did that happen?"

"Well, my sperms met some of her eggs..."

Chandler shook his head. "Start from the very beginning."

"It's a long story." Joey recounted his promise to Phoebe all those years ago when they were in the Central Perk, having coffee.

"When I turned fifty, the fertility doc asked for a sample of my sperm. Just one sample. No big deal. I didn't think she'd ever do it- get the embryos made... but apparently she made a LOT of 'em, because she sent me this text message. It's said, 'My uterus is full. Congratulations, Daddy.' Daddy? I am a dad?!"

Joey looked weak and pale. Chandler had to sit him down on the nearest piece of furniture which happened to be the baby's changing table. "Well, that explains that... but what about Rachel?"

"I have been fucking her... A LOT... I have been fucking Rachel a lot and well, she's putting on weight. Either she has a little bun in the oven... or she's getting kind of fat," Joey explained.

"Joey!" Chandler gasped. "Rachel's with Ross, who happens to be my brother in law. What in the world have you been doing... Fucking her?!"

"Do you want me to draw you a diagram, because I can," Joey offered. "It's really not all that hard. Ohhh I take that back - my dick gets hard. Hard... really hard... then it explodes all over into Rachel... and well, I guess that's how she got pregnant. IF it is mine. Do you think that it's Ross's? I really need to know. Could you ask that psychic lady? I need to know how many kids I am going to have..."

Chandler just shook his head. "You're really in a mess, Joey... and I don't know if I can help you. Seriously, Monica is going to kill me. She's going to kill me soooo hard."

Monica and the psychic left the kitchen. "What have you done, Chandler?" she asked, putting her hands upon her hips and giving him the evil eye. She had heard his last words to Joey and she didn't look too happy.

"Nothing, dear," Chandler said. "Joey's been the bad one. I've been a good boy."

"Joey's too cute to be bad," Monica said, fluffing Joey's dark hair. "But Joey, what are you doing on the changing table?"

"I've just had a terrible shock," Joey said. "It's terrible. I might have just pissed my pants.'

"What happened?" Monica asked.

Just then the psychic interrupted. "I really must be going. Thanks for the lasagna. It was incredibly good. For now though, just keep documentation of all the paranormal activity. Film it if you can. I'll keep in touch."

After she left, Joey jumped down off the changing table. "You guys have a ghost in here?" he asked fearfully.

"Yes, my friend. It would appear that we do," Chandler said.

"You mean a REAL live ghost, like the ones you see in the movies?!" Joey gasped. "I won't fuck with that stuff, man. I don't want to mess with the paranormal or the spawn of Satan!"

"I think I know who can help. Phoebe!" Monica cried out. "She knows all about that sort of stuff. I bet she'll know what to do to get rid of the evil spirits.'

Phoebe paced back and forth as she waited for the torturous minutes to pass by. Yes, it was probably too soon to tell if she was pregnant, but she had been sitting upside down all weekend long to let gravity do it's thing. She just had to be pregnant, she could feel each minute ticking by on her biological clock and her uterus's screaming for a child was starting to hurt her ears.

Finally the timer rang and she picked up the pregnancy test. She smiled as she realized that her weekend of gravity had paid off again. She was pregnant with her best friend's baby or babies and she couldn't be happier.

XOXOXO

"You're pregnant?" Ross said as he took a step back. Of all the things that he expected Rachel to say, that wasn't one of them.

"It's true Ross, I'm pregnant...we're going to have another baby," Rachel said as she showed him the pregnancy test.

"So, it's true? You've been cheating on me?" Ross asked although he already knew the answer to the question.

"What? No...why would you ask me something like that?" Rachel asked as she fidgeted.

"Because you're pregnant Rachel and I can't be the father. I had a Vasectomy after Emma was born, remember?" Ross said as he looked at her with pain filled eyes.

"Oh...that's right," Rachel whispered as she took a step away from him. How could she have forgotten something like that, now her entire world was shattered and she had no one to blame but herself?

"So who's the guy that you've been cheating on me with? Who's the father of your baby?" Ross asked.

"It's Joey," Rachel confessed as she looked up at Ross.

Ross couldn't believe what he had just heard. "You had an affair … With Joey, with one of my best friends … and you're pregnant?" He shouted.

Rachel nodded slowly. Shameful tears burned her eyes. "Yes. I thought you had a right to know but … I'm so, so sorry."

"Rachel, why? Why? It's not like we were on a break or something. You _cheated_ on me!"

Rachel nodded. "I know. It's just-"

"You told me you didn't want Joey; that you never loved him at all. Was that all a lie?"

Rachel looked at her feet for a long moment before looking up at Ross. "Yes, it was a lie. I - I love Joey." She had never admitted it aloud, let alone to herself, and it rocked her to the core. She felt her legs trembling.

"Oh great. Just great. Now you're probably going to tell me Joey is better in bed than I am!"

"Well…"

"Ugh, Rachel. Dammit."

"Well he does this thing with his tongue and -"

"Shut up, Rachel!" Ross threw his hands up to cover his ears. "La-la-la I cant hear you."

"Ross, I'm sorry," Rachel said, reaching for his hands and peeling them away from his head. "I'm so sorry. But I am willing to work on things if you are."

"Hell no. As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing left to work on." Ross grabbed his coat and stalked to the door. "Goodbye, Rachel," he said half-angrily, half-mournfully.

Rachel watched him go and felt a tear trail down her cheek. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, not at all, but there was no denying that what she felt for Joey was something on a whole different level than what she felt for Ross. She cried into her hands for a long moment, guilt and shame eating at her. Guilt and shame because there was a part of her that was relieved she and Ross were over. She wasn't sure she could have pretended any longer.

XoXoXo

Joey was getting a coffee at Central Perk when the door floor open and Ross stood there, his nostrils flaring like a wild bull's. If looks could kill, Joey would be six feet under already.

"You know," Joey said.

"Yes, I know. I know you've been fucking Rachel!" Ross bellowed.

Gunther, who had just passed Joey a mug of hot coffee, grabbed for the cup back. "No coffee for you."

"Why not?"

"Because if anyone should have been fucking Rachel, it should have been me," he spat. He took the mug and threw its contents down the sink before stalking away.

Meanwhile, Ross advanced on Joey. Joey had never seen such rage in anyone's eyes. He was almost scared until he remembered Ross hit like a girl.

"You want to punch me?" Joey asked. "Go ahead. I deserve it."

"Yeah, you do deserve that and so much more. You got Rachel pregnant! Did you know that Rachel is having your kid?"

"Joey got Rachel pregnant?" A familiar voice popped up from the doorway. Phoebe stood there, hurt filling her eyes. "Joey, you got Rachel and me pregnant."

"You've been fucking Pheebs too?" Ross said. "You really are a manwhore." He then reared back his fist and aimed it at Joey's pretty face.


	2. Chapter 2

**_This update was written by AngelsInstead and Melissa._**

 **Chapter Two**

"Owww... ohhhh God. I think my nose is broken," Joey cried after Ross had decked him.

"You deserve it... getting Rachel pregnant... and Phoebe, too!" Ross replied.

"Pheebs, you're pregnant, too?" Joey asked, getting up from the floor. He had almost knocked over a table - that's just how hard Ross had hit him.

"Ohhh yeah. Pregnant. Very pregnant," Phoebe said, lightly touching her stomach. All of her excitement had been dampened greatly. She had told Joey to meet her here, in the place where they had planned their grand baby-making scheme, so they could discuss the result, but obviously Ross had met up with him first... and he was piping hot. How could Joey have done it? How could he had given his sperm to Rachel, too?

"Pheebs, I can't believe it. You're pregnant," Joey said, standing up, his legs a little wobbly. He caught her in his arms and hugged her. "So my little swimmers made it to the right place, huh?"

"Your little swimmers have been quite _busy_ lately and I want to know WHY?!" Ross bellowed.

Everyone in the Central Perk was looking and listening in- especially Gunther who gave Joey the evil eye. "It was artificial insemination," Phoebe spoke up. "Joey and I didn't actually..."

"... bump uglies," Joey explained.

"But you bumped your ugly with MY wife!" Ross seethed. "Now you have two women pregnant. TWO! Or are there more?!"

Ross suddenly screamed, "Are there any more women here at the Central Perk pregnant with Joey Tribbiani's child?!"

A couple of elderly ladies raised their hand, but it was only wishful thinking. They smirked, batting their eyelashes at the sexy Joey.

"Ohhh man, what am I gonna do?!" Joey lamented. "I don't even remember those two."

~*~o~*~

Meanwhile, back at Chandler and Monica's house, they were trying to decide what to do about the evil twins, Erica and Jack. "I think we should try to locate her, the surrogate mother," Chandler said. "Maybe she can tell us what to do about this poltergeist or whatever it is that is hanging out around the twins."

"Well, we do send her pictures once a month. We have her address," Monica stated.

"That's good. I'm glad we agreed to make it an open adoption.'

"Or we could call an exorcist."

"That only works on the movies," said Chandler. "Call her, the surrogate mother, Cindy Campbell. Find out who she screwed about 13 years ago when she was filming those Scary Movies. If we get all the answers, maybe we'll know how to save our twins."

"They aren't evil. Not really; just a little odd. They wouldn't... do anything bad, would they?"

Just then, all the lights started to flicker in the house. Then the telephone rang. "I am afraid to answer it,' Monica said with a shudder.

"We have to," Chandler insisted.

Monica picked up the phone, practically trembling. "Who is it?" Chandler asked with fear after Monica had answered the phone.

"It's ... it's Phoebe," said Monica as she heard crying on the phone. "Pheebs, what's wrong? Calm down. Talk to me."

"Ohhhh it's just awful," Phoebe said in a little hiccuping sob. "It's Joey... and Ross. Joey and Ross are fighting... and two old ladies, they said Joey got them pregnant. But how could that be? I thought he only gave his sperm to me... but he gave some to Rachel, too!"

"Rachel?" Monica practically screamed. "Rachel's pregnant...and Joey's the father?!"

Monica gave her husband the stare of death. "Chandler, did you know about this?"

Before Chandler could do or say anything, thankfully the doorbell rang. *Saved by the bell,* he was thinking. He ran over to answer it, seeing Rachel standing there. His sister-in-law was crying her eyes out.

"What's wrong?" he asked in concern.

"I fucked Joey and now I am pregnant and Ross left me and I think I am gonna hurl," she said in one huge, run-on sentence.

Chandler made a mad dash toward the garbage can and rushed it over to Rachel who proceeded to throw up the entire contents of her stomach.

"Feel better?" he asked after she had finished. He carefully pulled her close in a comforting hug.

"How will I ever face Monica after what I have done? I cheated on her brother. I cheated with Joey," Rachel said sadly.

Monica was still on the phone, trying to comfort an extremely upset Phoebe. After she hung up the phone, she walked over to Rachel and looked her straight in the eye. "So you tell me, why did you cheat on my brother? Why did you sleep with Joey, one of our dearest friends?" she asked.

"Because, Mon, I have loved him all along... but I just left with Ross. I did it for Emma, because I thought it was best for Emma since Ross is her dad... but I made a mistake. It was just a terrible mistake. And I am paying for it now. I just broke Ross's heart and I am so sorry," Rachel lamented.

"That was Phoebe on the phone. She's pregnant with Joey's baby, too," Monica announced.

"WHAT?!" Rachel gasped. "How can that be possible? I thought he was only having sex with me?"

"Well, apparently a couple of old ladies at the Central Perk are claiming he knocked them up, too," Monica remarked.

XXooXX

Phoebe felt a little bit better as she hung up with Monica. Yes, everything was a mess now that there was so many woman pregnant with Joey's powerful sperm, but just like Monica said, things had a way of working out.

"Hello," she said as she answered her phone.

"Is this Miss Phoebe Buffay?"

"Yes, this is her. Who is this?"

"My name is Stella, I am a nurse at the New York's Little Swimmer's Fertility Clinic. I'm sorry Miss Buffay, but there was a mix up with the sperm sample that you were given," the nurse explained.

"What kind of mix up?" Phoebe asked as she placed her hand on her stomach.

"We...well, it looks like we used another donor's sample and not that of your friend Joey Triviani."

"Oh my god...who's sample did you use? Who is the father of my child or children?" Phoebe asked rather loudly.

Joey and Ross stopped fighting and went and sat down next to Phoebe, who sounded as if she was on the verge of a breakdown.

"The sample was donated anonymously a few years ago. I can't give you his name, but I can tell you that he is a paleontologist and College Professor...it sounds like your baby daddy is very smart."

"Oh my god,that sounds like my friend Ross. Ross,did you donate your little swimmers a few years ago? Are you the father of these children?" Phoebe asked much to Ross's and Joey's surprise.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

 _This chapter was written by AngelsInstead and Ana._

"Well, I did put a few of my little swimmers on ice," Ross admitted. "Before I got my vasectomy... just in case Rachel ever changed her mind... and wanted another baby."

"Ohhh my gosh, it must be you then!" Phoebe said as she touched her tummy. "You got me pregnant! Not Joey."

"What? I was supposed to be the daddy,' Joey said, looking a little sad.

"You ARE going to be a daddy," Ross reminded angrily. "To my WIFE's baby."

"I need to talk to Rachel," Joey said as he suddenly stood up. He hurriedly gave Phoebe a kiss on the lips.

"Congratulations on your babies with Ross," he said to her before he ran out of Central Perk.

After he left, Phoebe looked at Ross. "What are we going to do about this?" she asked. "I am carrying your triplets, but you're married to Rachel, one of my best friends. But your wife is pregnant by Joey, who was supposed to be the daddy of MY babies. Joey and I were going to share joint custody. I am not sure if I can raise my babies alone. After all, there's going to be THREE of them."

"Excuse me," said Phoebe as suddenly her phone rang again. It was Monica.

"Pheebs," said Monica. "We really need your help over here. I think we have a poltergeist... or some other weird, freaky shit. My older twins just levitated off the floor, then they spit up what looks like rancid pea soup onto Chandler."

"Ohhh poor Chandler,' Phoebe said. 'I would love to help, but I am busy talking to your brother right now. It would appear that it was him who got me pregnant, not Joey."

"WHAT?" Monica gasped. Things were getting weirder by the second. How could Ross have gotten Phoebe pregnant?!

Rachel and Chandler heard Monica's gasp as she was talking on the phone to Phoebe. "What's wrong?" Rachel asked in concern.

"Your husband - my brother knocked up Phoebe," Monica stated.

"With triplets," Phoebe added. "The nurse that called on the phone said it's going to be triplets."

"She says it's triplets," Monica added to the shock of Rachel and Chandler.

Rachel had to go sit down because she was feeling suddenly faint. "Ohhh God... ohhh God," was all she could say.

"Are you okay, Rach?" Monica asked after she got off the phone.

"This is the best news I have had in DAYS," Rachel said with a smile. "I love Joey!"

"You're in love with Joey?" Chandler asked in disbelief.

"Well, yeah, why do you think we have been sleeping with each other for the last 6 months?" Rachel asked.

"I just figured Ross was bad in bed," said Chandler.

Suddenly then, one of the evil twins let out a cackle. It was Erica. She reached for the phone to place a demonic phone call to her biological parent, Cindy Campbell.

"Who is this?" Cindy asked on the phone. "Speak to me!"

"In seven days, you will die," said the wicked little girl.

Cindy turned to Brenda, her best friend. "It's that evil little girl again. What should I say?" Cindy asked.

"Tell her you're gonna spank her lil ass!" Brenda exclaimed. "Gimme the phone."

"Stop calling here, you evil lil troll!" Brenda yelled after grabbing the phone from Cindy. "We are gonna come on over there and whip your little fanny!"

"I hate you MOST of all," said evil little Erica. "You'll be the first to die."

"Damn!" said Brenda after she hung up from that call. "That lil girl scares the shit out of me!"

"Do you think she'll really find us and kill us?" Cindy said fearfully.

"Girl, you've been messing with the wrong crowd, getting pregnant by that guy... what was his name?"

Cindy shuddered as Brenda mentioned the events that were never spoken of- Cindy's pregnancy and the father of her babies she had given up for adoption to Chandler and Monica Bing.

"Brenda, you're my best friend... but I won't speak of that guy whose sperm dripped deep into my loins."

"I think these calls have something to do with THAT guy!" Brenda exclaimed. "Just let him ... or that evil little girl come here. They'll be sorry they EVER messed with me!"

After Erica hung up the phone, Jack placed a call to his biological father. "Central Perk," a voice said on the phone.

Jack was laughing demonically. "I know who you are," said the possessed little boy. "You're my father."

X*X*X*X*X*X*X

"Take me to Central Perk now," Jack said to Monica.

"No," Monica said. She didn't know what was going on except that she had to save her kids. Taking Jack to Central Perk just seemed like a really bad idea to her.

"Fine. You leave me no choice," Jack said as he focused all his attention on Monica, looking her directly in the eyes. Suddenly his body crumpled to the ground, but he wasn't dead.

"I must go to Central Perk," Monica said going to get her car keys.

"Monica, what are you doing?" Rachel demanded.

"I'm not Monica," she said and walked towards the front door. Jack had possessed Monica's body and was making her do his dirty work starting with paying a visit to the man at Central Perk.

X*X*X*X*X*X*X

Emma Gellar was walking into the apartment building with a guy, they were holding hands. She had a crush on Dean for a long time, and now he was finally walking her home. They came to a stop in front the door to the apartment where she lived with her parents.

"This is it, where I live," she said as she turned to face Dean.

Their fingers were still linked as they were facing each other," Thank you for letting me walk you home," he said.

"My parents might be home, but did you want to come inside? We could watch a movie," she said boldly.

She didn't want their time together to come to an end yet. So she had to think fast and all she could come up with was the movie. It was a good idea though it would give them a chance so spend the extra time together.

"I'll come in," he said.

She turned and pulled her key out and stuck it into the lock, turning it to unlock the front door to the apartment. She pushed the door open," Mom,Dad?" she called out but got no response. " Oh guess they aren't home."

"That's okay. Its just a movie," he said.

She entered the apartment and Dean followed her inside. They went to the movie collection on the shelf and picked out a comedy to watch. Emma took the DVD and put it into the disc player and started the movie, she and Dean settled down on the couch together to watch the movie.

X*X*X*X*X*X*X

Monica arrived at Central Perk and walked into the building scanning the place. Before she could make it to the counter, Phoebe and Ross stopped her. They came rushing over to her from where they had been standing.

"Monica! Who's with the twins?" Phoebe asked," On the phone you said something was going on?"

"I'm not Monica," she repeated as she locked eyes with Phoebe.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note - This section was written by AngelsInstead and Jewel.

 **Chapter Four**

Phoebe and Ross were having an intimate conversation at the Central Perk. As he looked into her eyes, he took her hand into his large one. "There's no way I'd walk out on you, Phoebe... not if you're carrying my babies. You're one of my best friends...and no matter what happens, I am going to be there for you and the triplets."

"Ohhh thank Goodness!" she said loudly in happiness. "I thought I was going to have to change three diapers at the same time!"

"I won't let you change all the diapers alone,' Ross promised.

Then under his breath he said, "I just need to figure out what to do about Rachel." After all, he and Rachel had a daughter together - Emma. Their daughter was at a young impressionable age - only 14. He hoped that the bad news about her parents' marriage wouldn't cause Emma to become a wild, rebellious teenager. He had always thought of his little girl as a sweet, innocent little angel.

Phoebe and Ross's conversation had been interrupted by Monica who had walked into the Central Perk looking like a zombie. When Phoebe asked Monica who was with the twins, she had replied, "I'm not Monica."

"Then who the hell are you then? You look JUST LIKE Monica," Phoebe said.

Phoebe then turned to Ross who was just as baffled. "Does Monica have a twin sister, like me?" Phoebe asked.

"No, my sister doesn't have a twin..." Ross started to speak, but a possessed Monica interrupted him.

She said, "My name is Jack and I am the son of Cindy Campbell."

Gunther almost dropped the mug of steaming coffee he had been carrying toward a customer. "Cindy Campbell?" he gasped, looking greatly frightened.

"Do you know her?" Ross asked Gunther.

"Yes I do. She was into some sort of creepy,, satanic, devil-worshiping crap. I went to one of her Halloween parties. I ended up having sex with her..." Gunther said sheepishly. "Because I was so distraught that Rachel was having your child."

"Ohhh my God!" Ross gasped.

"You mean Cindy Campbell from all those Scary Movies?" Phoebe asked.

Gunther nodded, looking petrified.

"I love those!" Phoebe said happily.

Monica approached Gunther and looked into his eyes. "My name is Jack and you're my father!"

Gunther did drop the mug of coffee. He was so distraught. "No... no, it can't be!" he began to sob.

XoXoXo

Dean was three years older than Emma, but she really didn't mind. He was simply gorgeous. They were watching Scary Movie 3 together and eating a large bowl of buttered popcorn. "Ohhh Dean, this is the part where the scary little girl comes out of the TV and kills Brenda by frightening her to death," Emma said as she hid her face in his bicep.

Dean laughed softly. "Well, I haven't seen it yet,.." he said with a chuckle. "Don't tell me what happens."

Emma and Dean continued to watch the movie as he pulled her closer in his arms, laughing at the funny parts of the movie while cuddling Emma. She seemed a bit scared at the somewhat scary parts. "Emma, can I ask you a question?" Dean asked.

"Sure," she said.

"Do you think your parents might be gone for awhile?"

"Yeah, probably. Why?"

"Well, I was just wondering ... if it's okay with you... do you want to make out in your bedroom?" he asked hopefully.

"Sure," she said, feeling a little nervous, but also excited, because she would be making out with Dean, the hottest guy she had ever laid eyes on in her fourteen years of living.

"Okay, Emma... but there is something I should tell you first. My real name isn't Dean."

"What?!" she gasped. "Your name isn't Dean? What's your name?"

"My real name is Frank Jr. Jr. Buffet," he stated. "But I just go by Dean, because I think Frank Jr. Jr. Buffet is a stupid name."

"Wow, Dean... I mean Frank Jr. Jr., I can't believe this,' Emma said in complete shock.

"Anyway, can we still make out? I want to get plenty of fondling in before your mom and dad get home."

"Sure," Emma agreed.

XoXoXo

After another evil call from Erica, Brenda and Cindy had no choice. They loaded up in the car and headed toward New York City. "I need to find the family who adopted my twins. Their name was Bing. Cheeko and Mondler Bing."

"What weird names!" Brenda gasped as Cindy was driving.

"Well, at least I think that was their names. They sent me pictures of the twins over the years. I have their address."

"Awww... do the twins look like you?" Brenda asked.

"They look butt-ugly," Cindy replied. "Like the spawn of Satan. Brenda, you'll never know what happened that night. It was Halloween... and I was having this creepy party..."

"Yes,' said Brenda, listening intently.

"And this guy walked in... dressed up like the devil," Cindy said. "I don't know what came over me. I just had to fuck him. I spread my legs wide... and he slid something big and hard inside..."

"What was it?" Brenda asked.

"His penis."

"Ohhh my God. Was he good, Cindy?"

"Ohhhhh yeah. He really rocked my world."

"Damn, girl! I want me some of that!"

"No, you don't, Brenda. I knew all along that something was wrong with my pregnancy. I knew,,,,"

"What did you know?"

Cindy stared sadly at the windshield ahead. "I knew that they were abominations... evil twins would one day take over the world."

"Damn, it wasn't worth it then... to have spread your legs wide for that devil with the big dick. Cindy, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know, Brenda... but I loved my babies... and I am sure that their parents, Cheeko and Mondler love them, too. We have to save them. We just have to."

"We will, Cindy. Just like we do in all those movies,' Brenda promised.

Cindy didn't look like she believed it. She just kept driving north.

XoXoXoX

Rachel walked into her apartment she had once shared with Ross and hoped Emma was home- her daughter whom she loved so much.

She called her, "Emma?" And looked around the living room and in the kitchen, thinking maybe Emma had come home and wanted a snack.

Just then she heard giggling coming from her daughter's room. She ran to her daughter's room and found her daughter on her bed and a teenage boy with her and he had her hands all over her!

"Emma Geller!" Rachel said in her best not happy mamma voice. "Just what do you think you are doing and with this boy?"

Emma and her boyfriend turned around from sitting on her bed to see her mother standing there in the doorway since one of them had forgotten to shut the door.

"MOM!" Emma cried out, standing up. "You can't order me around anymore! I'm not a kid! I'm a teenager!" Emma was angry. Her mother had to come home and ruined her time with her boyfriend. "And what I was doing was making out with my boyfriend!"

Emma stormed out of the bedroom.

"Boyfriend?" her mother looked at the teenager boy and turned and headed after her daughter.

Frank Jr. Jr. Buffet got off the bed, opened the window and climbed out of it and hurried off to parts unknown.

XoXoXoX

Meanwhile at Central Perk, Phoebe and Ross were making eyes at one another.

They started making out. While Gunther hid behind the counter and Monica who was still being inhabited by her son's spirit stared at Gunther.

"Daddy," she said in a voice that was not her own. "You will die!"

Just then Cindy and Brenda pulled up in Cindy's car outside the coffee shop and looked to see what was going on inside.

Cindy gasped and her best friend said nothing. Cindy jumped out of the car. The two women had not been wearing their seat belts.

"Come on!" she yelled at Brenda as she ran inside the coffee shop and her best friend Brenda got out of the car and quickly followed behind her…

Cindy yelled at Monica and Monica turned to see her. "Mommy," Monica said once again in a voice that was not her own.

Then Cindy realized just then that the one before her was not Monica who had adopted her children but one of her twins! "Yes, what do you want, sweetie?" Cindy said. trying to be sweet although she felt like strangling the little brat to death…

XoxoxoX

Meanwhile at Rachel's apartment, she had not gotten around to telling Emma that Ross wanted to get a divorce, because Rachel had been sleeping secretly with Joey for six months and was pregnant. She sighed and flipped threw the TV channels on her wide screen flat TV that was on the wall, while eating a bowl of theater butter popcorn. She couldn't find anything to watch. It was later that night and was around eight.

She turned off the tv and thought she should feed herself and Emma real food. Since it was past the time they normally ate dinner at six-thirty…since Ross had always insisted that everything be done by a certain time.

She headed towards her daughter's bedroom, slowly thinking how she was going to tell her only daughter that her folks were no longer going to be married and get divorced. Just then Emma's screaming brought Rachel out of her thoughts. She ran into the bedroom and saw Emma's feet go out the window!

"Emma!" Rachel cried out in panic and ran over to grab her daughter's feet. But was no late. She saw her daughter screaming and kicking while she was being carried off to a car by a older man. But Rachel just saw the back of his head. Not his face….

"Damn it!" she cursed to herself and ran to get her cell phone. Ross would never forgive her for letting their daughter get kidnapped.

"Ross," she yelled into the cell phone she had found on the kitchen table.

She ended up getting his voicemail. "Damn it, Ross! This is an emergency! Stop fooling around with Phoebe or whoever it is you are doing and call me back! It has to do with our daughter Emma!"

Rachel slammed the cell phone down so hard with anger on the kitchen table that she broke it in two. 'Oh well…' she thought shrugging her shoulders. 'It was a shitty phone anyway…'

She then grabbed her purse, keys for her car and apartment and hurried out the door to find Joey and ask him to help her find Emma and in the process go to the police station..

XoXoXoX

Elsewhere Ross woke up naked in bed with Phoebe and could not remember how he had gotten there. He looked around the room and saw both their clothes thrown in different places on the carpeted floor.

Phoebe smiled at him. "Hi, tiger," she told him. "That was wonderful!"

 _Since being pregnant, Phoebe had gotten extra horny and when her and Ross had been making out earlier that day she had been more horny than normal. Chandler had come in with the kids and with a friend of Phoebe's who was a witch and every once in a while did stuff involving ghost. Her friend's name was Caroline Hart._

 _She was about twenty-five and was short and thin and had long blonde hair and pale skin and pretty green eyes. And wore long valet like skirt in teal and a black tank top. She carried a large bag over one of her shoulder that had all her witchy stuff in it that she needed._

 _"_ _Stop right there!" Caroline ordered the spirit inhabiting Monica's body and the spirit who was controlling Monica's body stopped before it made her strangle his birth mother Cindy._

 _Then she said a few words. The spirit dispersed to the boy's body and Monica fainted._

 _Gunther by this time was about ready to bolt but Caroline stopped him._

 _"_ _Mister, you are not going anywhere!" she told him and she put him next to Cindy and the kids. Then she got them into a circle she had drawn away from the sofa which had been moved so fast by Chandler you would have thought he secretly was a superhero._

 _"_ _Chandler, you can take Monica to the hospital," Caroline told him. "And I'll be there with the kids shortly when I'm done here."_

 _Chandler quickly nodded and went to his wife, picked her up in his arms and ran out of the coffee shop with her as fast as he could to a hospital._

 _Phoebe stood by with Ross making sure Caroline did everything right. Secretly Phoebe was a member of the craft as well, but practiced not with a coven but on her own and did not tell any of her friends since she feared they would no longer love her and want to be her friend._

 _Caroline got her book of spells out of her large bag and looked at Phoebe._

 _"_ _Hey, Phoebs, you wanna come help me?" she asked the older blonde. "It's been awhile since I've done this…."_

 _"_ _Sure…" Phoebe let go of Ross's hand that she had been holding and went to her friend Caroline. The two grabbed hands and spoke together._

 _"_ _Let one that once was here and evil be gone forever and ever,_

 _Be gone evil spirit,_

 _Be gone evil spirit,_

 _Let the one who was once here and evil be gone forever and ever,_

 _be gone evil spirit_

 _be gone evil spirit_

 _Go back to hell and reunite with your daddy, the devil!"_

 _The two ended the spell and a wind came into the coffee shop and everything got cold. Suddenly all went dark….and once it was gone, everyone fell to the floor._

 _"_ _Did it work?" Phoebe asked her friend._

 _"_ _Let's see." Caroline said and they both went to the circle and stepped into it and woke every one up. While Ross looked stunned, he felt like what he had seen had not been real…_

 _"_ _How do you all feel?" Caroline asked, Gunther, Cindy and the two kids._

 _"_ _I'm fine," Cindy said as she looked around the place. "Where is Brenda?"_

 _"_ _She went up in smoke while we did the spell. Sorry she was a demon secretly in disguise," Caroline told her, but in truth, she did not feel sorry about it._

 _Cindy shrugged her shoulders and said,"Oh well…she wasn't that nice of a friend anyway. She always was kind of a bitch." And with those words, Cindy headed for the door._

 _Gunter yelled after her, "Honey bee, where are you going?"_

 _Cindy stopped and turned back to him. "You want to be with me?" she asked him, feeling confused since she had thought he had just slept with her since he had been lonely._

 _"_ _Yes!" he cried out and ran to her. "You were the most wild sex of my life I have ever had!"_

 _"_ _Wow! Thanks," Cindy said with a smirk. They grabbed hands and ran off together to have sex somewhere._

 _Phoebe looked back at the kids with Caroline._

 _"_ _Its okay now. You are safe," Phoebe told the two kids._

 _Caroline and Phoebe hugged the children._

 _"_ _We love you," the twins said at the same time. "You saved us from the big old bad-ass who wanted us to do evil things for him."_

Phoebe turned to see Caroline standing there in a towel from just getting out of the shower. "Hey, sweet cheeks." Caroline told her friend and gave her a wink.

Caroline was still dripping wet from the shower.

Ross turned to see her standing there and looked at Phoebe.

"Whoa! Did we have sex with her, too?" he asked in confusion.

"Yep," Phoebe told him with a big smile.

XoXoXoX

Meanwhile Joey and Rachel ran into coffee shop and looked around it. It appeared as if a bomb had gone off.

"What the hell happened here?" Rachel asked Joey.

"I don't know…" he said back to her. "But we better go to the cops; Emma is obviously NOT here."

As they turned to leave, two young men walked up to them and showed them their police badges.

"Detective Dante Falconeri, from Port Charles, New York, and my partner detective Nathan West." Dante introduced himself and Nathan to Joey and Rachel.

"What can we do for you?" Rachel asked.

"Are you Rachel Green and Joey who is a friend of Rachel's?"

They both nodded. Then Dante asked them, "Do you know this girl?"

Dante took out a photo of Emma and showed it to them.

"Yes, yes!" Rachel said to him. "That's my daughter Emma Geller!"

"This was taken two hours ago in the subway, your daughter was seen with a older man and was being pulled onto the train," Dante told them.

"We have twenty-four hours to find her!" Nathan stated and then went into why they were there. "There have been a series of teenagers from ages twelve to sixteen taken by a serial rapist across New York state. He decided to hit our town Port Charles and we were lead here to find him and stop him. He has now become a serial killer. A girl younger than twelve was found dead and beaten and raped. Then he made the mistake of grabbing Mac Scorpio's great-niece and her mother, Robin Scorpio!"

"Oh my God…." Rachel's hand went to her mouth in shock and she fell into Joey's arms. She was close to tears.

Joey tried to remain calm and not freak out. His love and lady Rachel needed him to be a man and not a scared little kid.

"What happened to her mother? Is she okay?" he asked, his voice scared. He felt close to sobbing. If Emma ended up dead, he would never forgive himself. He loved her like his own daughter. He just hadn't had time to tell Rachel yet or that he loved her. He loved their baby and wanted to be a family with her, Emma, and their new little bundle of joy.

"She was beaten and left for dead on the side of the road next to a grass field with cows in the middle of the night….but he never touched her sexually. Because she is HIV positive," Nathan told them. "She has amnesia….so she can't remember who took her and her daughter Emma who is almost eleven."

"That is…." Joey broke down and could not speak. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to cry."

"It's okay, sir," said Dante. "I would be upset, too. I am a father myself. Have a son and a daughter on the way with my wife who is amazing."

Joey nodded.

Rachel let go of Joey and looked at young men.

"Tell me you will catch this S.O.B before he kills my little girl. too?" she asked them in a serious voice.

"Yes, Miss Green we will; I promise you that," Dante said with confidence.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note- This chapter was written by AngelsInstead.

 **Chapter Five**

Frank Jr. Jr. Buffay went to visit his Aunt Phoebe. When he arrived, she was running around half dressed with Ross and Caroline, who was also her lover. She put on a robe and answered the door. She was so excited to see one of the triplets whom she had carried for her brother and his wife. "Hi Aunt Phoebe, I need to talk to you," Frank Jr. Jr. AKA Dean said. "It's about a girl."

Phoebe hugged her nephew tightly in her arms. "What girl?" she asked. "Did you get someone pregnant?"

"No, nothing like that... but I made out with her. It was sooo much fun. We were you know, getting our grove on, when suddenly her mom walked in," Frank Jr. Jr. explained.

"Ohhh myyy!" Phoebe gasped.

Caroline and Ross were also listening intently. "Well, yeah, her mom was really mad, yelling and stuff, so I got out of there. I slipped out the window and I almost broke my weiner..." Frank Jr. Jr. said.

"What happened next?" Ross asked, eating popcorn as he was listening to the story of Frank Jr. Jr.'s almost sexcapade.

"I was standing in the alley... and that's when some creep climbed the fire escape. He looked like a real pervert. He grabbed my girlfriend Emma... and he took off with her!" the teenage boy exclaimed.

"Emma?!" Ross gasped. Could it be... HIS daughter?!

"What's Emma's last name?" Ross screamed, grabbing the frightened teenaged boy by his bow tie.

"It's Emma Geller, sir," Frank Jr. Jr. revealed, quaking with fear.

"That's my daughter, you little punk!" Ross exclaimed, seeing red. He couldn't believe that his darling, sweet Emma had made out with this - this ... loser!

"Ross, get your hands off my nephew!" Phoebe insisted, slapping at his arm to get him to let go of the teen boy who had been locking lips with Emma.

Ross slowly let Frank Jr. Jr. free. "I only want to help Emma. I love her," Frank Jr. Jr. revealed. "I can help the police by identifying the sleazy creep who kidnapped her."

"I gotta call Rachel right now," Ross said frantically. "Our baby girl has been kidnapped!"

Ross reached Rachel by cellphone, but of course she already knew of Emma's kidnapping. "I am talking with the police now at what is left of the Central Perk after the twins' exorcism. You better get over here now, Ross," Rachel said on the phone.

"Rachel, there's this teenage boy here. He said he was with Emma... you know, making out and locking lips, and he says he can identify the man who took our little girl," Ross stated.

"Okay, bring him over here, too. We need to find Emma as soon as possible. The guy who took her is a serial killer... and he might hurt our daughter," Rachel said in distress.

As a tear slid down Rachel's cheek, Joey was comforting her. "Phoebe and I will be there right away," Ross said before he ended the call.

XoxoxoX

Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler went home with their first set of twins. Monica's parents had been watching the infant identical girls who were now sleeping peacefully in their cribs. "What's going on?" Monica's mom asked when she saw the noticeable difference in little Jack and Erica. They no longer looked demonic and evil.

"We have exorcised the demon. Our twins are going to be just fine," Monica stated.

"That's good, because your father was getting bored and we were thinking about going into your bedroom and having some wild and erotic sex," said Mrs. Geller.

"Ohhh MY God!" Chandler gasped in disgust. He couldn't wipe that horrendous image from his mind. He made a face of utter horror.

"Can't you two wait until you get home?" Monica said in annoyance. "Sheesh!"

"Well, the twins were sleeping," said Monica's dad.

Chandler was just about to tell his father and mother-in-law to go on home and screw to their heart's content, but suddenly he got an important call. It was Ross. "Hey buddy, we need you and Monica to meet us at Central Perk ASAP. It's an emergency. Emma's been kidnapped!" Ross said as he was driving at top speed with Phoebe, her lover Caroline, and Phoebe's nephew in the car.

"Ohhh no, Emma's been kidnapped," Chandler told his wife. "We have to save the day again."

'Again?!" Monica's mom whined. "Does that mean we have to watch 2 sets of twins and we never get to have hot, kinky sex and multiple orgasms?!"

"Yes, it does, Mom... and you are making me nauseated," Monica said, wrinkling her nose in complete disgust. "I don't want to think about you and dad... you know... doing IT."

"That's how we got you, sweetie," Monica's dad said as he hugged his daughter.

Chandler ended his call with Ross and grabbed Monica's hand. "We have to save our niece now," he said to Monica. "We can do this. It can't be all that bad after just exorcising a demon."

"Sorry, Mom and Dad, we gotta go. Ross needs us. Emma was kidnapped," Monica said to her parents. "Please keep an eye on both sets of twins until we get back."

"Emma?!" Monica's mom said after Chandler and Monica had rushed out the door. "That's Ross's daughter, our favorite grandchild. How awful."

"Let's hope nothing happens to Ross's kid. After all, his other kid lives with lesbians and we never get to see him," said Mr. Geller.

Right away, Ross and Monica's mom and dad sent their grandchildren, Erica and Jack up to bed. "I kind of miss them being demonic," said Mrs. Geller. "They reminded me so much of Monica when she was little. She was always devouring twinkies like someone possessed."

"While the kids are in bed, would you like to devour my twinkie?" Mr. Geller asked his greatly=aged wife.

"I thought you'd never ask," she said with a wink as she took his hand and lead him off toward Chandler and Monica's bedroom.


	6. Chapter 6

**Monica and Chandler arrived at Central Perk where they met up with Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, Caroline, Frank Jr. Jr, and the two detectives from Port Charles, New York. "Chandler and Monica, this is Detective Nathan West and Detective Dante Falconeri from Port Charles. They are tracking a serial killer and rapist. They have reason to believe that the demented and evil man may have taken my sweet little Emma," Rachel explained.**

 **"Nice to meet you," Chandler said to the two detectives after he and Monica shook their hands.**

 **"Aren't you two the couple with the demonic twins?" Nathan asked.**

 **"Well, we were... but the demon has been exorcised. How did you know?"**

 **"We saw it on the evening news," Dante explained. "My wife is pregnant with twins, too, and they better not be demonic. We couldn't handle any of that freaky shit."**

 **"Yeah, it wasn't pleasant," Chandler agreed. "But enough about all that... how can we find Emma?"**

 **Strangely, Frank Jr. Jr. was staring at Monica. He seemed quite unsettled. "You look just like HER!" he exclaimed.**

 **"Who?!" Chandler and Monica asked at once.**

 **"Gail Hailstorm. She starred in the first Scary Movie with Cindy... and you look like her!"**

 **"Really, I do?" Monica said with a little smile as she smoothed her dishevelled dark hair. "I look like a movie star?"**

 **"Yeah," Frank Jr. Jr. said. "You even have the same pointy boobs as her!"**

 **"Chandler, did you hear this teenage kid?!" Monica said as if insulted. "He called my boobies pointed!"**

 **"Ohhh my God!" Frank Jr. Jr. said as he was slapping himself in the face again and again.**

 **"Honey, what is it?" Phoebe said gently to her nephew as she stopped him from hitting himself.**

 **"It was HIM who took Emma!" the teen boy cried out.**

 **"Who?!" Ross demanded.**

 **"Gail Hailstorm's lover from the first Scary Movie. What was his name... Dumbshit? Dipwad?! No, it was Doofy!"**

 **"Doofy?!" everyone said at once. It was such a strange name. Who on earth would name their child Doofy?!**

 **"Doofy from Scary Movie kidnapped my little girl Emma?" Rachel said sadly.**

 **"Yeah, it was him. He's a weirdo. Haven't you seen any of the movies? The guy is a deviant and a pervert!" said Gunther who had just walked into the Central Perk on the arm of his lover Cindy Campbell.**

 **"Gunther's right. Doofy uses the hose of the vacuum sweeper to pleasure himself... and sometimes he..." Cindy paused, wrinkling her nose, because it was truly something horrible she didn't like to remember.**

 **"Sometimes he shits his pants, plays in his own waste, and sniffs his fingers. He's a disgusting and perverted individual," Cindy stated.**

 **"Ohhh no! My little girl has been taken by a nasty pervert!" Rachel sobbed, crying on Joey's strong shoulder. "How can we save her?"**

 **"There is only one thing we can do," Frank Jr. Jr. concluded.**

 **Cindy, Gunther, and Frank Jr. Jr. were all looking at Monica. "You have to pretend to be his old lover, Gail Hailstorm," Gunther said to Monica.**

 **"Ohhhh nooooo way," said Monica said. "I just dealt with two demonic twins. I can't pretend to be the ex-girlfriend of some shit-sniffing sexual deviant."**

 **"Just pretend he's Chandler," Joey suggested. "How hard can it be?"**

 **"Chandler doesn't drool disgustingly and use the vacuum hose on his penis!" Monica cried out.**

 **"Monica, you have to do it!" Ross pleaded. "It's for your** ** _only_** **niece!"**

 **"Wait, I might be carrying some girls in here!" Phoebe spoke up as she rubbed her pregnant tummy. "I'm carrying triplets again... and this time Ross is the father, not my brother!"**

 **"Congratulations, Aunt Phoebe!" Frank Jr. Jr. said as he kissed her softly on the cheek. "Now, can we please rescue my girlfriend? I wasn't quite finished making out with her!"**

 **"You touch my little girl again and I'll-!" Rachel screamed, trying to get to Frank Jr. Jr. to pulverize him, but Joey lovingly held her back.**

 **"Rach, careful. You might hurt the baby," he said as he stared into her eyes.**

 **"You know about the baby?"**

 **"Yeah, everyone knows. The psychic told us," Joey said. "But I kind of knew anyway. You've been putting on all those pounds. Your ass is becoming chunky and you've been puking a lot... and I knew it couldn't** ** _me_** **causing you to upchuck every five seconds. You and I are so good in bed."**

 **Ross glared at Joey as he said those words. "She's still my wife," he reminded.**

 **"Not for long," Phoebe spoke up. "Last night when we were having amazing sex, you said you were going to marry me."**

 **"You had sex with Phoebe?!" Rachel demanded of Ross.**

 **"What's it to you? You've been screwing, Joey- MY BEST FRIEND for months!"**

 **"Okay, enough of who's been screwing who and who got whomever pregnant. It's time for Ms. Hailstorm here to help us catch a killer," Dante said as he looked at very reluctant Monica.**

 **"Chandler, I am frightened!" Monica cried out as she hugged her husband. "What if Doofy drools on me?!"**

 **"We fought the devil and we won, Monica. We can fight this Doofy, too! He can't be all that bad," Chandler reassured.**

 **Xxxxxxx**

 **Meanwhile Doofy had taken 14 year old Emma Geller to his hideout, the set where Scary Movie had been filmed. He was drooling all over Emma as he threw her into a room with the other Emma, the 11 year old he had taken from Port Charles, New York. He had taken Emma's lovely mother, too, Robin Scorpio Drake, but when he found out she had the HIV virus, he threw her aside for fear that he'd get some sort of sexually transmitted disease that might make his pecker wither away and fall off.**

 **"Smell my fingers!" Doofy demanded of the two young girls who had been gagged and bound.**

 **Emma Geller saw tear stains upon the other Emma's cheeks. The poor little girl looked terrified. Doofy waved his fingers in front of the girls' faces, forcing them to take a whiff of the most rank odor either had ever smelled.**

 **"That's my ass!" he exclaimed. Then to Emma Geller's shock and horror, Doofy rushed to the closet and retrieved his handy, dandy vacuum sweeper.**

 **The two girls trembled as Doofy started up the sweeper, then unzipped his pants. He was drooling as he proceeded to use the suction from the vacuum on his teeny-tiny penis! "Swallow!" he screamed at the inanimate object that he used daily for his demented, mess-up pleasures.**

 **Emma Geller turned her face away, wishing she had been blindfolded. "Mom and Dad, save me!" the girl cried out from deep inside. She didn't know how much more she could take of the creepy and disgusting Doofy.**


	7. Chapter 7

**With the help of her friends, Frank Jr. Jr., and Cindy Campbell, Monica began her transformation to look exactly like Gail Hailstorm. She had to make her hair a little bit lighter, put on some slutty make-up, and make sure her boobs were extra pointy. "You look ... lovely, darling," said Chandler as he gazed at his wife in her Gail Hailstorm persona. "I have never seen you so... oddly sexually attractive."**

 **"Do you wanna do a little role play later, you and me, with me wearing this Gail Hailstorm get-up?" Monica asked Chandler with a smirk.**

 **"Sure, baby. After we defeat the disgusting Doofy and rescue both Emmas from his nasty clutches," agreed Chandler. "I just hope that your parents haven't messed up our bed with their old, naked bodies."**

 **"Ohhh my God! Disgusting! Why did you have to remind me?" Monica cried out as she thought of her parents getting freaky in her and Chandler's bedroom. "What if they are... you know... in our hot tub?!"**

 **"Monica, we must forget all about your parents being naked, our once demonic twins, and your beautacious pointy boobs. Our only objective now is to rescue our niece and the other Emma from Doofy," Chandler said bravely. "You can do this, Monica... I mean, Gail Hailstorm. Do whatever you must... even if it means... EVEN if it means you have to strip naked in front of Doofy and..."**

 **"And what?" Monica asked fearfully.**

 **"Fondle his weiner," Chandler said in a barely audible voice.**

 **Monica's eyes were huge. "Ohhh no, I could never do that."**

 **"Ms. Hailstorm, I mean Mrs. Bing," spoke Dante. "It's for the good of Port Charles and all of New York State that we apprehend this rabid criminal and lock him behind bars. Just think of all the young ladies you'll be saving... beautiful young girls like your niece Emma. Do what you have to do to tame the wild beast..."**

 **"But I can't fondle his weiner!" Monica protested.**

 **"Just pretend he's Chandler," Joey said again. "How bad can it be?"**

 **But no one at the Central Perk really knew and after they had Monica reasonably calm again, they were trying to think of where Doofy had probably taken the girls, Emma Geller and Emma Scorpio-Drake. "I know!" Cindy called out. "He probably took them to the Scream studio, because that's where he met and fell in love with Gail Hailstorm. That's where he keeps his vacuum sweeper, too!"**

 **"Shut up!" Monica said nastily. "I am gonna slap you, Cindy!"**

 **"Just like I slapped** ** _you_** **in the movie?!" Cindy challenged.**

 **"Enough... enough," said Nathan West. "No one's going to slap anybody. We are heading over the the Scream studio so we can rescue two scared and endangered young girls. Everyone get a grip!"**

 **They all piled into Dante and Nathan's police cars which were parked outside and headed toward the studios where Scream had been filmed all those years ago. The sets were still standing and nothing had been disturbed... except for Doofy who had been using them for a hide-out to stash his frightened victims.**

 **It was incredibly squished in the police car in which the Friends gang was riding with Nathan West. In the police vehicle with Dante, Frank Jr. Jr, Cindy, Gunther, and Caroline were in close quarters inside. All the way there, Cindy and Gunther were fondling and making out. "I wish you had worn your devil costume," Cindy said provocatively.**

 **"I don't. I wouldn't want to make anymore evil babies with you," Gunther stated.**

 **Meanwhile, in the other police car, Monica was on Chandler's lap, facing him. "Make love to me here and now, so I don't have to think about what I'll have to do when Doofy is found," Monica commanded.**

 **"Ewwww. I don't want to see my SISTER making love to her HUSBAND!" Ross cried out from the backseat where he was tightly squeezed in with Phoebe, Joey and Rachel.**

 **"Ross, cover your eyes!" Monica exclaimed as she lifted her tight skirt and began to bounce up and down on Chandler's lap.**

 **Nathan looked over and sighed. He really should have pulled over and given Monica a ticket for not wearing her seatbelt, but he didn't, because he needed her to play the part of Gail Hailstorm to apprehend the vicious criminal.**

 **After Monica was finally satisfied, she curled up against Chandler's chest with an adorable little grin upon her face. Chandler looked as if he'd walked through the flames of hell. "First a poltergeist destroys our home, then my twin children turn out to be demons, and now this..." he said as he was trying to catch his breath.**

 **In the backseat, Joey and Rachel were also "getting in the mood." They just couldn't stop themselves after what they had seen Chandler and Monica doing in the front of the car. "I am horny!" Joey called out. "Pull over and let me and Rachel jump into the trunk."**

 **"No, we have no time to lose," Nathan said. "No one's jumping into the trunk!"**

 **"But it's crowded back here. We can't fuck," Joey said bluntly.**

 **"She could give you a blow job," Phoebe suggested.**

 **"What?!" Ross screamed. "She IS my wife!"**

 **"But you had SEX with Phoebe!" Rachel screamed back at him.**

 **"But WE WERE ON A BREAK!" responded Ross.**

 **Suddenly Rachel and Ross were slapping at each other like unruly children. Because of the tight squeeze in the backseat, Phoebe and Joey were getting slapped every so often as well.**

 **"Stop that!" Phoebe cried out. "We are ALL pregnant back here!"**

 **"Yeah, I'm pregnant!" Joey whined.**

 **Nathan almost slammed on the brakes as he said, "Quit it... ALL of you! Or you're all under arrest."**

 **"Oooo Rachel, handcuff me," Joey said, batting his eyelashes at Rachel. "I know how much you like bondage and kinky things!"**

 **"She DOES NOT like bondage!" Ross cried out.**

 **"Shows how much** ** _you_** **know!" yelled Joey.**

 **Nathan just rolled his eyes, hoping they'd make it to the Scream studio soon. "I don't know how much more I can take!" he said under his breath.**

 **Chandler looked over at Nathan as Monica continued to snuggle up to him in his arms. "After this is over, I am going on a long trip... with Monica... alone."**

 **"Where will you go?" Nathan asked.**

 **"I dunno, but if Monica's parents fucked on our bed, I'll have to get everything in our bedroom replaced and the house fumigated. While that's being done, Monica and I can share a nice, relaxing time together on the beach."**

 **"That sounds great. Can my wife and I come along?"**

 **"Does our wife act** ** _anything_** **like my friends in the backseat?"**

 **"Well, kinda..." Nathan said sheepishly.**

 **"No way! You can come... but leave your wife at home."**

 **"I can't leave Maxie at home. She'd** ** _kill_** **me."**

 **"Afraid you're on your own then, pal."**

 **Nathan just smiled. He was starting to LIKE this odd group of friends.**


	8. Chapter 8

After driving for sometime, the Friends gang arrived at the studio in Nathan West's police car at the location where the Scream movies had been filmed. Soon after, Dante pulled up in his own police car. After everyone got out of the cars, Dante said discreetly to Nathan, "Cindy Campbell and that Gunther got fresh in the back of my police car. There's sperm and cum all over the seats."

"Yeah, well, on the way here, two couples had sex in **my** car. It was really awkward - all the moaning, groaning, and cumming. After they were done, they were all slapping each other and getting violent," Nathan said to Dante.

"Jeez, what's wrong with these people? We're at a studio. They may as well all get together and film a porno!" Dantie exclaimed.

"Did someone mention filming a porno?" Joey asked with a smirk. "I used to play Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of our Lives. I am all for filming an x-rated flick."

"No one's filming a porno," Dante said. "Gail Hailstorm here is going to go in there and save the two kidnapped girls."

Nathan was getting Monica prepped for going undercover. Between her breasts he placed a tiny microphone and a mini camera. "We'll know what's going on at all times. If anything gets out of hand, Dante and I can bust in and take care of Doofy," Nathan said after he had the equipment placed between Monica's pointy boobs.

"Ohhh this is so exciting!" said Phoebe. "You're going to meet a movie star! Tell Doofy I said 'hi'."

"Phoebe, he's a deranged psychopath!" Monica cried out. "Who knows what he'll **want** with me. There's a chance I might have to ... you know, fondle his weiner!"

"Maybe you could ask for his autograph!" Phoebe said in excitement. "I'd love that!"

"Just get in there quickly... and use whatever means necessary to rescue your niece and the other young girl," Nathan advised. "Try to stay at least 3 feet from his weiner. at all times."

"Weiners can spray up to about 4 feet," Joey spoke up.

"At least mine can," Joey boasted.

"Shut up about your WEINER!" Ross exclaimed. "No one wants to hear about your wiener, OKAY?!"

"Rachel does," Joey said as he gave Rachel a seductive look.

Dante and Nathan were staring at each other in exasperation. They had absolutely no clue how this was all going to turn out. They could only hope that the two young girls would be rescued and no one would be hurt during this dangerous crusade.

Chandler kissed Monica and wished her luck with her scheme to outwit Doofy and free their niece and the other Emma. "You can do this, Mon... I mean, Ms. Hailstorm. Just pretend Doofy is me."

"Ohhh good Lord, I am gonna be sick," Monica said with anxiety.

"Try not to puke on Doofy," Rachel suggested.

"Who knows... a weirdo like him might get off on that," Cindy spoke up. "He's into _other_ bodily secretions."

"Maybe puke up a little in his mouth when you try to kiss him," Gunther said.

"Ewwww ... gross! I have to kiss him?" Monica whimpered as Cindy showed them to the back entrance of the studio.

"When you go through this door, you'll find the set of Doofy's house to your left," Cindy explained. "I bet he's there, because that's where he keeps his trusty vacuum sweeper with the super-dooper suction."

"Okay, I can do this..." said Monica as she tried to get herself psyched up to take on a psycho,

Before she knew what happened, Dante gave her a small shove inside the door. Monica had now entered the Scream studio set. As she cautiously walked to her left, she wondered when the infamous Doofy would appear and what he might be wearing.

On the video footage, Dante and Nathan were monitoring Monica's every move. The Friends gang and the others were watching as well. All eyes were glued onto the screen.

"Hey, Doofy!" Monica called out. "It's me, Gail Hailstorm... Your one and only love!"

From the camera between Monica's breasts, Dante and Nathan saw the suspect coming into view. "Gail?!" Doofy said in shock as he made his presence known.

To everyone's shock and horror, Doofy was completely naked, his weiner sashaying from side to side as he walked closer to Monica. "Ohhh Gail, you've finally came back to me!" he said as he began running toward her at incredible speed. 


	9. Chapter 9

Doofy was salivating when he saw Monica. She looked EXACTLY like Gail Hailstorm, the only woman who had ever **willingly** loved him. "Ohhh Gail, I thought you'd never come back," he drooled. "But here you are and your boobs are as pointy as ever!" He was staring at her breasts as he stopped running. He was now standing about three feet from her.

Monica shuddered when she remembered what Joey said about weiners shooting secretions at a distance of about four feet. "Doofy, it's been so long. I want to go with you into your house... and ummm ... do things."

"What kind of things, Gail? Would you like to fondle my weiner?!"

"Uhhh yeah, sure... but how about a good home cooked meal first? I could make you some yummy lasagna!"

"Alright, Gail. I'm hungry. Can you make me some lasagna _and_ a bologna sandwich?"

"I can... but uhhhh... why are you naked, Doofy?"

"I need a shower," he uttered. "I made a poopy in my panties."

Monica struggled with everything she had not to upchuck. She had to turn her thoughts onto her niece Emma and the other young kidnapped girl. "Doofy, you go in and take a nice hot shower. While you're doing that, I can fix your lasagna and your sandwich... then well, we..."

"Gail swallows!" he suddenly screamed, touching himself lewdly as his weiner began to grow.

Dante, Nathan and the Friends gang were totally disgusted when they saw Doofy touching his wiener. "This is the most repulsive case we've ever been on," said Dante. "No one will believe this back in Port Charles."

"Ewww!" Rachel cried out. "Someone please go in there and rescue my little girl. Ross, DO something!"

"I'm not going in there," Ross said fearfully.

Rachel then looked at Joey who shook his head fiercely. "No way, Rachel. I love you with all my heart and soul, but there's no way I am going in there with that weird, freaky creep."

"Ohhh Joey, you love me? Ohhh gosh, that's so sweet!" Rachel gushed, kissing him enthusiastically all over his face.

"Of course I love you, Rach," said Joey as he caressed her growing baby bump.

"Will you two STOP?!" Ross protested. "Emma's life is in danger! My God, get your mind off SEX!"

All eyes were then riveted onto the screen when Monica followed Doofy into his house of horrors. He lead her into the kitchen. "Make me a sandwich,' he demanded. "I need to go scrub my asscrack, then we can have some fun."

The camera was on Doofy's disgusting face as he was drooling with anticipation at the thought of rutting on top of Gail Hailstorm. "Be back in a few shakes of my weiner!" he said before he headed off toward the bathroom.

After Doofy left the kitchen, the Port Charles police and The Friends Gang then heard Monica say, "I am going now to search the house for Emma and the other girl while Doofy's in the shower. I hope I find them quickly so I can get the HELL out of here!"

Monica stealthily moved through the house, searching every room and closet for her niece and the other kidnapped child. She came to a room at the back of the house. It was the last room she had not searched. As she opened the door, she heard pitiful whimpering coming from inside. Her heart started to pound when she discovered the two young girls who were bound and gagged. The two Emmas were lying on the floor next to the bed. Very quickly, Monica worked to untie the frightened girls, then she gently pulled the sticky tape off of their mouths.

"Aunt Monica, is that you?" Emma Geller asked in shock. "You look... different."

"Yes, honey, it's me in disguise. Now we gotta get you out of here. Did Doofy hurt you?"

"No," said Emma Geller as Emma Scorpio-Drake also shook her head. "But... he did something **nasty**..."

"What was it?" Monica asked, her eyes wide with horror.

"He used his vacuum sweeper and he..." Emma Geller spoke.

"Don't speak of it!" cried out the other traumatized Emma.

"Alright, girls. Doofy's in the shower! We have to run out of here as FAST as we can. _Come on_!" Monica said urgently.

At that same moment, Doofy was getting out of the shower. Putrid, brown water clogged up the drain. He grabbed a towel and wiped his butt with it, then he proceeded to dry off his face. "I am gonna make myself sexy for Gail, my main squeeze," he said as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. As he was admiring his pimpled face, he caught a glimpse of his beloved Gail and his two captives outside the door which was slightly ajar. They were running down the hallway.

"GAIL," he yelled. "You're not leaving YET. I didn't get my blow job and my sandwich!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Written by AngelsInstead  
**

Monica rushed out of the door of the studio wearing her Gail Hailstorm get-up. She had the captured young girls with her - Emma Scorpio and her niece, Emma Gellar. "Mon, you did it!" Chandler said, jumping up and down in excitement. "You defeated Doofy AND you saved the girls!"

"Doofy's following me!" Monica warned. As Rachel and Ross hugged their daughter and Emma Scorpio ran to Nathan for his protection, Dante got ready to battle the assailant. He had his gun raised as a Doofy came haphazardly through the door.

"Gail, come back!" screamed Doofy. At that moment, he realized that two police officers and a bunch of other people were just outside the studio. He stopped in his tracks as the towel fell away from his lower body, revealing his gruesome weenie.

"Ohhh gross!" said Emma Geller as she covered her face with her hands.

"Gail, don't you love me anymore?" Doofy whined pathetically as he looked at Monica.

"I am not Gail, you perverted asshole!" Monica cried out as she tore off the wig she was wearing and the rest of her disguise, including the pointed boob prosthetics she had been wearing inside her bra.

Doofy had a look of dim-witted confusion on his face when he realized that he was about to be captured by the Port Charles Police. Dante held the gun on Doofy as Nathan handcuffed him and read him his rights.

"Hey, you can't arrest me. I am Deputy Doofy. My mom says you have to called me _Deputy_ Doofy," Doofy said as he was looking all around for his badge. He realized he left it in the bathroom, along with the rest of his soiled clothes.

"Shut up, pervert!" Phoebe exclaimed. "I hope they lock you up with the Lakeside Killer and the Boston Strangler!"

Nathan lead Doofy over to his police car. After the criminal was apprehended, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God you're okay!" Rachel said as she tearfully kissed Emma's cheek. "Did that creep Doofy hurt you?"

"No, Mom, but he made us smell his fingers."

"Why would he do that?" Joey asked.

"They smelled just like a nasty butt crack," said Emma Scorpio. "I want to go home to my mom and dad."

"We'll take you back with us to Port Charles, after we drop the disgusting pervert off at the police station," Dante promised Emma.

Emma Scorpio was quite pleased when she was told that Dante and Nathan would escort her back home. She gave the other Emma a hug as they said their goodbyes.

"I guess that's our cue to go," Ross said as the two police cars pulled out of the parking lot. Nathan was taking Doofy to the police station and Emma was riding with Dante Falconeri.

"I am so glad I won't have to wear that Gail Hailstorm get-up anymore," said Monica to Chandler. "Let's go home to our two sets of twins."

"You are right, Mon. It's time to go home and fumigate our bedroom," Chandler agreed when he thought of her parents doing anything remotely sexual inside their home.

"How are we going to get home?" Joey wondered.

"We'll call a taxi," said Phoebe as she reached for her cell phone.

"Won't we need more than one?" Ross asked as Phoebe was making her call.

"It's called 'Togetherness,'" Phoebe said after she ended her call. "The triplets and I are gonna sit on your lap."

"And I will sit on Joey's lap," said Rachel as she caressed her growing baby bump.

"Mom, why are you gonna sit on Joey's lap?" Emma asked. "And why is Phoebe sitting on my dad's?"

"Well, honey, it's kind of complicated," said Rachel. "But your father and I are getting a divorce..."

Emma interrupted her mother. "I knew it! You've been having an affair with Joey!" the teenager exclaimed. "I saw him coming out of your bedroom!"

Ross glared at Rachel. "Emma ~ Sweetie, there's something Daddy has to tell you," Ross said to his daughter. "Phoebe and I are having triplets."

"Ohhhh my gosh! I didn't know I was kidnapped THAT long!" Emma gasped.

"Can Emma sit on my lap inside the taxi?" asked Frank Jr. Jr.

"No!" Ross and Rachel screamed in unison.

"Dang! I guess I'll have to ride in the trunk then," said Phoebe's nephew.

XooXoo

 _Seven months later...  
_

The triplets decided to come early. Ross rushed a very pregnant Phoebe to the hospital. "Just breathe, honey," said Ross as a nurse was getting Phoebe set up in room in the Maternity Ward.

To Phoebe and Ross's shock and surprise, another woman was already giving birth in the same hospital room. It was Rachel, Ross's ex-wife. She was screaming out expletives as Joey cowered in fear.

"Ohh hi, Rach. How are you doing?" Phoebe said cheerfully.

Rachel cursed in what sounded like the voice of Linda Blair the filming of the Exorcist. "Wow, Rachel seems to be having a bad day," Phoebe said to Ross as he fluffed her pillow for her.

"Get this kid out of me!" Rachel yelled.

The doctor who loved Fonzie walked into the room. He stood at the end of Rachel's hospital bed while her legs were in the stirrups. "Are you going to name your baby after Fonzie?" asked the doctor. "His real name was Arthur Fonzerelli."

"Ohhhh... ohhh my gosh! I felt a contraction!" Phoebe said with a little giggle.

"Push, Rachel. Push!" Joey encouraged.

"Push push push it out," said the doctor.

"And don't forget to breathe," Joey added.

"Fuck my breathing!" Rachel growled.

But as she bore down with all her might, the baby popped right out, into the doctor's hands. Ross was watching the whole thing with shock on his face. "Ohh my God... I'm gonna barf," Ross said with puking noises.

"Stop looking at my vagina, Ross!" Rachel screamed at her ex.

The baby cried as the doctor announced that Rachel and Joey had a son. "Ohhh he's so cute," Joey said after the doctor cut the cord and placed the baby in Joey's arms. "What are we gonna name him?"

"Why Little Fonzie of course," said the doctor.

Rachel glared at the annoying doctor. "I've decided to name him after the love of my life. His name is Joseph Tribbiani the Second."

Ross didn't like the sound of the baby's name as it reminded him that Rachel had cheated on him. He turned all his attention onto Phoebe. "How are you feeling, honey?" he asked.

"Like three kids are trying to make their way through my pelvis," Phoebe said. "Do you think they'll all come out at once?"

"I hope not," said Ross. "Because if they do, you're va-jay-jay won't ever be the same."

The doctor washed his hands and then came over to help Phoebe with her delivery. "What do we have here?" he asked when he saw Phoebe's enormous stomach. "Did you just swallow at small whale?"

"Ohh my God, you're the doctor who delivered my first set of triplets. Aren't you like 80 years old now?" Phoebe asked. "Are you sure you can even see what's going on down there?"

The doctor looked between Phoebe's splayed legs. "I can see everything. It looks like a little head is peeking out. It has hair just like Fonzie!" the doctor said with excitement.

Phoebe let out a little cry and began to push. Within seconds, the first triplet was born. "What is it, Ross?" Phoebe asked. "A boy or a girl?"

"I don't know... " Ross said in disgust. "It's all covered in goo."

"You have a daughter!" the doctor said as he cleaned the baby and cut the cord.

"She's adorable," Ross said when the doctor placed the infant girl in his arms. "She looks just like my mom!"

Just then Monica and Chandler showed up at the hospital. "What did we miss?" Chandler asked Ross.

"Rachel and Phoebe just squirted out a kid," Ross answered.

"Rachel's here?" Monica asked in surprise.

"Yeah, she's in the other hospital bed," Ross replied.

Monica rushed over quickly to say hello to Rachel and Joey. She admired the new baby whom they had nicknamed J.J. - Joey Junior. "He's so cute!" Monica said, pinching the baby's chubby cheeks. "You did good, Rachel."

"What about me?" Joey asked. "Did I do good?"

"Ohhh yeah. You did real good - knocking up my brother's wife, but it's okay now, he's having triplets with my other best friend. Which reminds me; I gotta get back over there. Phoebe's about to pop out another kid."

Monica returned to the other side of the room where Phoebe was pushing out the second triplet. After the child was born, the doctor announced, "This one's a boy. How about the name Fonzie?"

Ross shook his head. "No, I don't like it."

"What's wrong with Fonzie?" the doctor said with offense.

"Stop arguing!" Phoebe cried out. "I am about to push another child from my loins!"

Monica was holding the second triplet as Phoebe was pushing with all her might. Baby number three just didn't want to come out.

"Come on out of there," the doctor coaxed the baby. "Don't make me reach up in there and _pull_ you out!"

Suddenly the third triplet descended, splashing the doctor's face with amniotic fluid as it came into the world. The doctor caught the slippery infant before it fell upon the floor

"It's another girl!" said the doctor as he cut the cord. "You have three babies, 1 boy and 2 girls."

"Yayy! That's what I had last time when I gave birth to my brother's triplets, but this time I get to keep them!" Phoebe said with excitement.

"They need names," Ross said as he gazed at all three of his brand new babies. The third triplet was in Chandler's arms. He was the proud new uncle.

"Okay, Ross, you name one, then I will name the next baby, and Monica, you can name the last one."

"What about me?" Chandler asked, feeling left out.

"You can pick all their middle names," Phoebe bargained.

"Fair enough," Chandler said.

"Baby number one will be named Elizabeth," Phoebe said.

"Oooo I love it," said Ross. "Okay, Chandler. What's her middle name going to be?"

"Elizabeth Chandler Geller."

"That's pretty good. It's your turn, Ross," said Phoebe. "Pick a baby name."

"I want to call our second daughter Ellie," Ross said.

"Great. What's her middle name, Chandler?" asked Phoebe.

"Ellie Monica," Chandler stated.

"Oooo I love that. It's perfect. Elizabeth and Ellie. Okay, Mon, it's your turn to name the baby boy. Come up with something good."

Monica thought for a moment. "Okay," she said. "Edward. Edward Gellar."

"He does look like an Edward," said Phoebe as she looked at her son in Monica's arms.

"Chandler, middle name..." Phoebe prompted, but Chandler didn't speak fast enough.

The doctor, who was busy sewing up the slight tear in Phoebe's vagina, gave baby Edward his middle name.

"Edward Fonzerelli Gellar," Phoebe said as she looked at each and every one of her offspring. She was so happy she could almost jump up out of her hospital bed and do a little dance. She probably would have if the doctor wasn't stitching up her va-jay-jay as Ross had called it.

"I am so happy!" Phoebe exclaimed. "Ross, I can't believe we did it. We just had THREE healthy babies."

On the other side of the hospital room, Rachel and Joey were marveling over their **one** baby. "Just wait till Emma meets her little sibling," Rachel said as she kissed his tiny head.

"Siblings," Joey said with a smile as he and Rachel saw that Phoebe had just given birth to the triplets.

"Joey, I am so happy I cheated on Ross and got pregnant by you and we created this adorable little person."

"Me, too, Rach. It was all worth it. Every bit of it was," he said as he gave her a loving kiss.

 **The End  
**


End file.
